To me the most natural thing about hitting a "milestone" birthday is to ask yourself whether or not you are doing what you hoped to be doing at that certain milestone. Yesterday I talked about where my parents were at 30, and what expectations they may have had. So now to think about where I am, and where I thought I'd be.
When I was around 20 years old, in college for computer graphics, I had some definite expectations of where I would be 10 years later. I always believed that if I worked hard I would be able to do whatever I wanted, doors would open, jobs would appear, and I would be successful. I was always a really hard worker, so I figured I would graduate with honors, get a great job in a big city as a web designer, and move my way up the ladder. A couple years after that I would get a graduate degree, then get a job as a web design professor at a college somewhere. I saw myself happily married and owning a fancy loft somewhere. No kids. I'd have plenty of money, not rich but living comfortably with a good savings. I didn't know who I'd be married to or where I'd live, but I figured I'd make my way out to California, maybe the San Francisco bay area. I always had a very romanticized idea about California. Good weather and fun stuff to do and artsy people I could related to.
Cut to real life at 30. I am happily married, I'm a web designer, and I live in a big city. I did graduate undergrad with honors, but I guess I didn't work hard enough of something, because I never have found a job that pays what the career sites say someone with my skill set should be paid. And there is no ladder to climb where I work. We just barely pay the bills, and we live in an apartment, nothing fancy. We're in Atlanta, not California, and plan to be here for a long time. Even still, we don't have any plan to buy our own place soon because the money just isn't there. I haven't gone to grad school, so although I've taught at a tech college, I'm not on my way to being a professor. Perhaps the biggest difference from what I envisioned is the little man who has become the center of my world as of late. I honestly never saw myself as a mom.
So this begs the question - do I regret where I am? I think that's a tough question. There are things that I WISH were different, but nothing that I wish I had done differently... does that make sense? I believe I am where the Lord would have me right now. I am glad that I married Chris. Glad that I followed him to Savannah. Glad that we followed the Lord's leading to Atlanta. Ecstatic that we followed the Lord's prompting that led to the birth of our amazing son, Zeke.
I tried a couple of times in the past 6 years to do the grad school thing. I was accepted into graduate school at SCAD in Savannah, but after one quarter and speaking with a dean, I realized that the programs SCAD could offer me would not give me the education I wanted, and so I dropped out. I didn't want to go into debt for a degree that I wouldn't use. I am VERY happy that I decided not to complete my degree at SCAD. Then I applied to some fine art graduate schools after Chris graduated... I really worked at it this time and thought I knew what I wanted, but I wasn't accepted to any of the programs. That was really hard on me. Really hard.
But looking back 3 years later, I know that those programs wouldn't have been quite right, either. And if we HAD gone someplace for me to go to grad school, well... life would be very different. And while I can't reasonably speculate on what would have been different in an alternate reality, I will say that I doubt I would have discovered my food allergies (the secret to how I am able to function for a full day now instead of crashing horribly after just a few hours), and I highly doubt that I would be a mother now. The Lord's plan was different from my plan... and I have to say that the Lord's plan looks a lot better than my own. At this point I honestly don't know if I wanted graduate school for the right reasons anyways. I may have wanted it because it's what I was "supposed to do" to "live up to my potential." And that might be a really bad reason to do something, if it's not truly where the Lord is leading me in my life. I am hoping that I will gain more insight in the next 10 years about whether or not I need to pursue a graduate degree in anything.
So, sure. It would be awesome to have more money, a nice house, a fancier job. Or Chris with a fancy job so I could be a stay-at-home momma. And to be honest, I still hope to have those things when I hit my 40-year milestone. But these are the areas of my life where I am learning to be content with what we have, while I am joyful over the things I never even hoped for... trust in the Lord and an amazing baby boy. And I know that so far, the Lord's plan is better than my own.
5 comments:
nice to see you're going through the self-reflection that comes with turning 30 -- i just went through it and it's a really fun exercise!!
i have to say, though, it is unsettling to me how you seem to be abdicating your life to what "the lord" wants -- saying that his plan is better than yours, etc etc. in my experience, i'm not where i thought i would be when i was 20, but i recognize that where i am now is due to actions that i have taken, not puppeteering on the part of some supreme being. and i'm perfectly fine with that -- it makes me appreciate my accomplishments even more. i would suggest you try to give yourself some credit for what's gone on in your life: you'll find turning 30 to be exhilarating in that light.
enjoy your 30s.
peace,
sjcm
Stephen, I understand why it would seem that way from your perspective. But as a Christ follower, I do believe that the Lord guides our steps. We don't always follow His leading, but if we do, we will find blessings there. I've learned the hard way that following my own path is not nearly as rewarding as following His lead, and I count it as my greatest accomplishment of my 20s that I've learned to follow Him even when it doesn't make sense at first. That's when all the best things have happened in my life. Rather than feeling like "abdicating" or "puppeteering," it's actually very freeing and gratifying, as I look back and can clearly see God's fingerprints on all aspects of my life.
But I do understand how that can sound like foolishness to someone who hasn't experienced the same.
On another note, you should be very proud of your accomplishments. You rock, and I miss you.
i have to ask, how does he guide you? does he say things or is it just something that you feel? and if it is something that you feel, then how do you differentiate it from awareness of what you intrinsically, in your heart, desire?
Stephen, that's a perfectly reasonable question, but not one that's easily answered in a blog comment. I'll keep it as brief as I can but know that there's a lot more to it than this.
I do believe that God speaks to people in different ways, in different circumstances.
When we were praying about where to move, I had a very strange dream that was nothing like dreams I usually have, in which God was clearly showing me that I needed to trust Him to lead and put the pieces together. Then the next day, we had a couple of people tell us they felt like God was saying we should move to Atlanta, and we kind of laughed at that. But in the days that followed, we had a number of different people in different circumstances, and out of the blue, suggest Atlanta as well... for example an old coworker I hadn't talked to in ages IMed me and told me that they would be hiring soon in Atlanta and I should apply (that's where I work now, I was hired without actually interviewing... and just a couple days after I started the agency instituted a hiring freeze that has yet to be lifted, more than two years later). Even when all of that was happening we still balked and just spent a lot of time praying about whether or not Atlanta was really where the Lord wanted us... we eventually felt a peace about the idea and both Chris and I just had a sense that this is where the Lord wanted us, even though it wasn't where we would have ever imagined moving. But it took a lot of different things happening (the dream, people bringing it up, prayer, and a free place to live for 2 months while we got jobs and such lined up) for us to believe that it was the Lord leading and not just our imaginations. Plus, once we got to Atlanta we immediately felt at home, and all our needs (for jobs, home, fellowship, friendship, etc) were met, and that was the best confirmation possible.
Then when I was praying about what to do with birth control, I had a sense that I needed to have my IUD removed. And when I asked, "Then what should I do?" there was a voice in my head that was not mine that said, "Nothing. Trust." I knew that wasn't my idea because doing nothing for birth control was NEVER anywhere in my mind. I remember saying, "No way, I know what that means. I'm not talking about this right now. Talk to me about it in another month." For the next week I just kept having this nagging that I couldn't push out of my head that said I needed to get it removed. When I ignored it, I started having complications from the IUD the next couple of days (bleeding, pain, etc) until I HAD to make an appointment to have it removed. This whole time the nagging voice wouldn't stop. Then I was talking to a friend about the IUD situation and she asked, "what will you do now?" and I finally, very timidly, said out loud, "I think I'm supposed to do nothing." She responded with, "Yeah, I think you're right." And only then did I talk to Chris about it, because I was terrified of the idea and I knew that once I told Chris he would hold me to it. I still was pretty terrified of the idea but the nagging voice stopped once I had obeyed it. I want to remind you that it was in the midst of prayer and of confirmation from other events / people ... not just me having a feeling about something. At any rate, in the course of the next few months my heart slowly warmed to the idea of being a parent... so that whereas if I had gotten pregnant right after going off the IUD I would have probably burst into tears, by the time we actually got pregnant we were both really excited about it. Again, this is something I have to attribute to the Lord's leading because it's not something I would have done on my own. And yet again, Zeke has been the biggest blessing on our lives, but one I never thought I wanted, and wouldn't have pursued on my own.
Hope this helps.
mmm....that's an interesting take on things. what you're describing as god's work in other cultures could be interpreted as Mother Nature. especially when it comes to your IUD -- Mother Nature, or in this case your body, was telling you it was bad for you, and lo-and-behold, she was right! As for moving to Atlanta, one might even say you should consider the people you surround yourself with, and talk to -- that clearly could bias the comments you hear from people.
but i guess that's kind of beside the point: You believe god is talking to you and telling you things, while someone else in the same situation could say it was Nature, or what the heart desires, even -- and those are all valid feelings and ok for me.
i guess where i get caught up is how one can go from following what they think god is telling them to do to believing whole-heartedly in all the crap that comes along with organized religion these days. well...i use "all the crap" pretty loosely here, and organized religion these days picks and chooses what to focus on, normally with the churche's best interest in mind.
at any rate, Happy Birthday! and trust me, you don't need to go to Chicago -- it's kind of lame. ;)
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